Enigmatic Identity

When I was a child, I thought I knew everything, but I was wrong. In this world, everything is divided into two supreme guiding rule, the good and bad, order and chaos. Things turned out life in so may ways, that may end up to your success or failure. What am I at this point of my life, is the result of all sort of principles, understanding, sacrifices, challenges and everything which are related to this so-called life.
I remember the time when I was just a child, I have strict parents, they taught me how to be a disciplined and well-mannered boy. They cared for me a lot, I easily get sick at those times so they never missed an eye on me. Even though they are strict , I thank them because without their rules and teachings, I might be one of those people who doesn’t care about their life and make worthless things. I grew as a child full of questions, I wonder about all things. There was a night, when we are outside of our house, I looked up and I saw the beautiful glowing lights at the sky, I asked my mother and told me that they were stars, I was fascinated. I told my mother I want to reach and touch them, she says study hard and you will. That moment, I become excited to learn and asked my mother to teach me more, well, she didn`t disappoint me, she gave me what I want and some moments turned our for me badly as a kid. As I grow older, I continue becoming who I am with the help of my parents, especially muy mother, she`s the one who teach me all I have to know, to write, read and count, she`s the best teacher I have. When I entered school, I become an academically-focused pupil and continued earning achievements as my teachers saw my potential on different fields. However, despite the achievements, lot of rumors appeared. People and my classmates` parents tells that their sons/daughters are better than me and I don’t deserve such titles that are given to me. That time I realized that the world that I have known was not that perfect, I started to see all things differently, the world was not that good. With those rumors and hatred, I see schooling as a competition for others, and not what I have known as an institution which provides learning and education. Despite the issues, I still strive to learn and study harder until I graduated Elementary as a Valedictorian, I made my family very proud of me, that was the best gift that I have, their smiles and admiration. At those times, I promised myself to always make them proud and reach their expectations. I never knew I was wrong about those things and I already forgotten the child who dreamt of the stars and keep moving to seek knowledge and truth, my own real purpose. Now it was high school, my parents decided to move me to my grandparents because they can provide all I need than what I would have at home, but for me, that`s not real, they are the one who all I need. I never want to be away from them, but I have no choice. Since then, even I didn`t know my purpose or even who I am, all that I have in my mind is to finish school and go home. Every night I look unto darkness at my room, I wonder if I made any mistakes, it was so cold, hard to breath and alone, I started crying but the sound of silence never allowed my voice to reach out my parents. It brokes me, seeing myself each day going up into my bed, eat breakfast, take a bath, wear my uniform, go to school, study, went home and sleep again. Month later, I decided to ask my grandparents to return me home, they allowed me, however, I make my parents feel bad at me. Things changed, I never become who I was before, my grades suddenly got lowered and worst, never got achievements, which made my parents mad at me. I broke my promise, the little boy`s dreams, now just turned into dusts. I tried so hard to strive again but life gave me no chances at all, I can`t cope up with others. I suddenly had been into a relationship and addicted to basketball, there distract me, I lost focus and started to be lazy going to school. Worst came, at the end of my third year at high school, my grades at science and math failed, which leads to my science class termination, my parents lost trust on me, they are mad, I failed them. I saw how my father felt bad and even didn`t try to talk to me. I started to think of all things, thinking about all of my mistakes in life, depressed and nothing to talk to, I even attempted something that I must never try to do. Then, myself started to split into two, his birth allowed me at every moment of downfall to stand still with the feeling of rage and madness. Weeks after, my adviser notice my situation, she calls me to talk with her, I began crying, she told me that she already talked with my parents and told them my situation, she told me to talk and apologize to them. I went home and there my parents were waiting for me, I didn`t notice myself crying and hugging them while saying sorry for what I`ved done, they forgive me and told me to just keep moving, I can still make things right, and told me that they will always be with me always whatever the situation is. Time passes and I survived junior high school, I gradually gain confidence again and started on my own way. I started out senior high school well and good, things seems to turned good again, With all the challenges that I`ve been through, I realized I have to make something, because I know I`m not just the only person who have such challenges with them on their minds. I seek out people who need help, and helped them. One day, I realized something was wrong, I`ve shown kindness, but they abused it. Since then, I tried and learn how to limit helping others because first of all, they have to stand on their own, in order to grow. My senior high school was very interesting for me, here I realize lot of things, know my purpose, opened my eyes to social issues and other things concerning life, people and the world itself. I become a model to my colleagues, especially to my classmates as I told them who I was before and all the challenges I`ve fought. It feels so good as they recognize me as an inspiration who lead them to study more and work hard for their dreams. Years passed and I graduated from high school, I`m now a full grown college student here at Philippine Normal University, I decided to be a teacher because I want to inspire more people, and also, I saw how students suffer from different situations at school because of certain issues which I do really want to change when I become soon a teacher. Finishing the first term for me was tough, as I expected. However, something happened, my body can`t handle the burden. With all the late nights sleeps and stresses, I forgotten to consider thinking for my health, time came when I become at the situation where my mind is the only one left pushing me stand and wake up every morning even without enough sleep. With all of these challenges, I stand still and continue to work hard, my principles and will drive me to strive more. Worst things came back, I can`t even mention about them, things changed again, the way I perceived life, all of them, I feel worthless. I want you to know that I am tired and all I want is to sleep. I’ve already heard all of positive thoughts about life, and I`m sick of them, I don`t even know now if these principles are true or maybe they are just words, decorations which lead to man`s hope through the bitterness of life which may result to failure and hopelessness. I realized that I am just living because I was born, nothing else and nothing less. This world is rotten, that`s actually how I have to say it, literally. I`m tired seeing people suffer, the judgments, criticisms, disappointments, regrets, mournings, hopelessness, failures, mistakes, conflicts, illnesses, rejections, and other else. Despite all of these facts, I`m still trying to live to change all such mess in this world, I stood a chance and still hoping to succeed even at this times.
Life is going to kick you down even if you`re already at your knees. As we strive for happiness, there comes suffering and sadness. All positive thoughts in life was just a support, the real thing is what move we are doing at the present. Always hope but never expect. Don`t focus on the material things, titles, compliments or other temporary things in life, instead, make good for others. As time passes, things change, and that`s the reality, an unchangeable law of living. Time was given to us billion years ago, now, it depend on us how we are going to use it.